Babies crying can be the biggest headache for mothers. When your baby cries, will you choose to pick up your baby immediately to soothe him, or wait a while to determine what your baby wants and then meet his needs? What should mothers do about their babies crying?
If your child is crying and you only have one way (hug) to soothe your child, consider whether you really understand the reason why your child is crying.
Raising a child requires clear-headed analysis and judgment, never a bowl of chicken soup to solve the problem.
For new parents, accurately determining a child's needs is like a mathematical puzzle that tests our ability to translate "baby language".
To better translate the "baby language", we need to know how to understand them more easily.
1. listen to your child's cries!
First of all, we can observe the child's own body movements, expressions, sounds, poop.
Secondly, we can use some auxiliary tools to help us judge more accurately, such as daily record sheets, environmental ranking sheets, growth curves, and characteristics of the child's needs at the appropriate age of the month. Using some comprehensive screening tools can help you better determine your child's needs.
Crying can be called a baby's first language and will be the first thing parents pay attention to. It is very easy for parents to focus on "how to stop the baby from crying" rather than thinking about "why the baby is crying. But obviously the latter is more important.
Some books advise you to "don't think, don't evaluate, trust your gut and act now," but know this: without evaluating and thinking, the decisions you make are often impulsive and dangerous.
Being a parent requires keeping your head above water. Trust me, stop for 30 seconds and think before you act, your child will not turn into an insecure lunatic just because he cried for 30 seconds more.
Don't think that there are only two black and white solutions in the world: "cry and hold" and "cry and ignored". These are two extremes, and any method that is too extreme is by and large problematic.
What you need to do is to find a middle ground between the two extremes, add some rational thinking and judgment, and leave some time for yourself to ask "why".
2. So, why is the child crying?
Here is a checklist prepared to cut the child's time into three major time blocks, this checklist may help you better determine the child's crying:
A. Crying at the time of breastfeeding.
1. Starting to cry for milk before it is time for this feeding.
A single cry, is it because the last feeding was not sufficient?
If she cries a lot for more than 2 days in a row, is it because she has been crying for milk for a long time?
- The child starts crying when it is time for feeding.
Occasional crying, hungry, normal feeding is enough.
Is your schedule unreasonable if you cry a lot?
- Crying during breastfeeding.
Is the breastfeeding position incorrect?
Is the milk too strong?
Is breast milk secretion not enough?
Is it gastric reflux?
- Crying soon after breastfeeding.
Is the burping not in place and there is flatulence?
Is the mother's diet inappropriate?
B. Crying during waking hours:
- Cries often at dusk every day.
Is it the lack of sleep that causes fussiness at dusk?
- Sudden crying.
Is it an injury?
Is it sickness?
Is he or she frightened?
- Grunting and writhing crying:
Is the diaper dirty?
- crying before bedtime.
During the day, before the nap grunting and crying, normal, can be put to sleep.
Daytime crying before naps, sleepy emotions out of control need to be soothed, next time pay attention to early to put to sleep.
Night before bedtime grunting and crying, normal, put to sleep can be.
- get up and cry during sleep.
Daytime naps fixed about half an hour wake up crying.
Not enough sleep, need to pick up the sleep.
Waking up crying at other times.
Are you sick?
Is it a tummy ache?
Are you having night terrors?
Grunting and whimpering.
Cry for a while, no need to intervene urgently, the child may be switching to self-recovery in sleep
Grunting and crying for a long time and writhing around.
Is the child wearing too much or too little clothing?
Is the sleep environment uncomfortable?
Is the diaper full?
Is it a teething period?
In dealing with your child's crying, your expectations will determine your own emotional management, the atmosphere in your home, and ultimately the problems that arise.
3. Answer the following questions to sort out your expectations
What do you expect in terms of the number and length of times your child cries each day?
How do you feel when you hear your child cry?
Does it mean that you are a bad mother when your child cries?
Well, after answering these questions, let me tell you the truth about your child's crying.
As adults, when we feel uncomfortable and have needs, how do we let others know?
Yes, you talk about it!
(Of course, some people like to beat around the bush and let others guess what they are thinking, but they will definitely give you some hints in words, behavior, expressions, etc. You can think of him/her as an adult who still has the innocence of a child)
So, your child is also an independent person, although he is very small, he also has his own ideas and needs, so he will let you know his ideas in what way?
Yes, he will use his cries, expressions, body movements to tell you his thoughts and needs. And crying is the most direct baby language. (Babies are really weak in this area and are physically limited in the ways they can use to communicate their thoughts!
Okay, so at this point, your expectation is that the child cannot cry.
This is the equivalent of you saying to an adult, "You shut up!" As brutal and simple as that!
4. So why do you have such expectations?
Because we adults only use the language of "crying" to vent our emotions when we are in a very bad mood! But we use our own perceptions and arrogance to believe that the most common language used by babies, "crying", is the same as we adults, and only has the function of venting emotions.
Well, even if you think that the baby cries all because he is in a bad mood, but let's put it in perspective, when you cry, what do you want others to give you comfort?
The following two answers you feel.
A. "Stop crying! Don't cry!"
B. "Cry, cry, cry out and feel better, I understand your emotional feelings, so, what are you sad about? I'll help you analyze and solve it together."
Okay, now can you see the child crying reasonably? Trying to stop your child from crying, holding and feeding him as soon as he cries, is as cruel as "letting your child cry and not caring for him".
When you can reasonably recognize that your child's crying is a language, you will know that his cry is a dialogue with you, not an accusation that you are a bad mother!
Don't move to intimidate yourself and put yourself on the moral grill, it doesn't do half the job of getting your child to stop crying about it!
Be especially wary of public opinion that pushes you toward morality and motherhood, and block them out!
Believe it: you who can read this book are not lacking in motherly love at all! You are already a very good mother yourself! Otherwise it's impossible to think rationally about the needs of your child!
If you feel like you're having a heart attack when you hear your baby cry, then remember the words of a mother.
"You think a newborn's cry is loud, but when the baby is three months old, you'll know it's just like a kitten's cry.
You think the three-month-old baby's voice is so loud that it reaches the sky, when the baby is a full year old, you will know that it is just a short concerto.
You think the full age of the baby wailing and screaming range is superb, and when the baby can run and jump, you will know what it means to spill and roll people see the bear!
Today you can not even tolerate a drop of baby crying, tomorrow may cry is your own! "
So, the next time a child cries, please stop your stride to the baby, put down your open arms, stand still and think for 30 seconds! (30 seconds is really harmless, don't worry!) Then listen carefully to your baby's cry, don't think of it as our adult "cry", translate it into what your baby has to say.
Don't put pressure on your emotions and think that your baby is crying because I don't love him enough and he is just talking to you in his own language!
You will find that your baby's cries are actually quite wonderful and he cries differently when he has different needs:
A grunting, lingering cry could be hunger.
Sudden outbursts of crying may be uncomfortable.
Irritable, shaking head, rubbing eyes and snorting, increasingly angry crying may be sleepy.
Crying twice and stopping for a while and then crying twice again may be due to cold and heat.
Wiggling and crying may be because the diaper is full.
After grasping the child's real needs, give the child what he or she wants most, not what you want to give.
Hungry - breastfeeding
Sober and in a bad mood - cuddle
Uncomfortable - check to rank the cause of the uncomfortable parts and see a doctor.
Diaper is full - change the diaper
Cold or hot - increase or decrease clothing
Sleepy - lie in bed and sleep
When you are sleepy, you are not in a good mood - help your child to lie down in bed and fall asleep as soon as possible.
See? The child crying is not the only solution to pick up and feed!
What? You don't want your baby to cry and express his needs all day long?Do you want to establish an understanding with your child so that you can know what he wants to say without him crying?
I'm happy to tell you that this is perfectly possible, and the ultimate goal of this book is to do just that.The child can even communicate his thoughts with a smile.
How to do it? By helping your child to be regular, by helping your child to really eat, drink, play and sleep well, by making your judgment sharp and acute, by anticipating upcoming problems and having a plan and a plan to solve them, by really being a mindful mom.
When the love you give is rational, slightly restrained and what your child really needs, this love will have weight.
Imagine such a person: every day the mouth hanging "I love you", the child cries regardless of whether the child is hungry or eaten only with feeding to solve, sleep must sleep with the child regardless of whether they disturb the child rest, 24-hour monitoring of the child does not give the child their own play time and space, as long as the child does not cry is a good child, the child cries to prove that they are not qualified.
But you ask her: Why is the child crying? What is the child's real need at the moment? What is your plan? How is your family atmosphere? How is your relationship with your husband? Are you resting yourself?
Her answer: "Your child just needs you to give him all the love he needs, don't let him cry, and he'll feel safe! As a mother, you have to cater to your child 100% of the time".
The words that link any specific form of behavior (such as giving birth or not, breastfeeding or not, breastfeeding or not, cuddling or not, sharing a bed or not, etc.) with security without triggering you to think about your child's real thoughts at the moment, respect your child's real needs, and think rationally and calmly about solving problems in multiple ways, are poisonous chicken soup that scares you!
Toxic logic is nothing more than this.
You do that (specific ways of behaving, like bottle feeding, formula) that will make your child insecure!
You have to do this (specific behaviors, like breastfeeding) to make your child feel secure!
No need to think, no need to hesitate! Trust your sixth sense! Give your child all the love you have! Ignore your personal feelings! If you think about your personal feelings, you are a selfish, unqualified mother!
Stand on the moral high ground with such rhetoric, kidnap you and your children, and stop you from thinking by intimidating threats. A mom who is steeped in such rhetoric is only exhausted, irritable and anxious. What is the value of the "love" you give to your child in this situation?
In fact, your child will perceive your tiredness and anxiety, and the child will really feel insecure in this atmosphere.
The child's sense of security, like the sand in your hands, the more you want to hold on to, often against your wishes, the child because you do not think and too much intervention will produce a stronger sense of instability.
When you calm down, treat your child with real respect as a human being. Take care of yourself and focus on the family atmosphere, the management of family relationships. When you can give your child a long-lasting stable and comfortable living environment, when you can help your child guide a set of good habits, when you know that it is better to teach someone to fish than to teach someone to fish. When you know that it is better to give your child love than to teach him/her how to love properly, then your child can get a real sense of security!
If you want to join a moms-support group and discuss with more moms like you, please search Alex Zh on Facebook to answer my 3 questions, then I will invite you to join in.